I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
