i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
ttyl tear gas
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
