I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
