so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
