dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
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Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
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It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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