There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
