u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
