please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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