your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
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Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
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He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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