I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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