No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
