I'm gonna have a badass scar
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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