She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
and she was petting her beer can
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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