I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
