I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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