talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?