We're like a lot better than the average bears
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
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he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
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Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*