Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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