You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
