im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
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i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
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He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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