I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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