did you get engaged???
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
