I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
