I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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