I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
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What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
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I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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