My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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