I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
