How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
