Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
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The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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