Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
