i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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