Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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