dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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