My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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