Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
