I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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