he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
