do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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