I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
