first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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