Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
