If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
