mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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