got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
