so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I need a burrito and a hug.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
