I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He did a backflip because drugs
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
