The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I bet he comes in French.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
