Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
