You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
