According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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