I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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