if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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