i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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