C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
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What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
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So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
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